A Family Affair......

Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I'm on the throne stop holding on and just be held

-Casting Crowns

I didnt sleep at all the night before. I rarely sleep...but the night before this day was exceptionally difficult. The moments I was awake were spent debating wether the next day of my life was going to be a triumph or tragedy. I'd say a teeny prayer with every wake. The day of, minutes creeped by. I literally felt like I can count faster than the time was passing. I know that makes no sense but its the only way i can describe it. I thought a million times that if I'm feeling like this I can only imagine how my dad was feeling.

Me, Jim and my Dad......in the room waiting for the doctor. Everytime I go I try and read the staffs facial expressions and demeanor. I watch closely. Is that a nervous smile? Does she already know? Today she was being extra chatty. She took alot of time with us in the room. We were early though, thats what i keep telling myself. Maybe its just me. Maybe she isnt being chatty and I'm just anxious. Then the other nurse came in and she always cheers my Dad up. Most of the nurses and the front desk people call my Dad Trouble. Uh oh here comes Trouble they say.. Everytime i hear it I wonder why but never ask. Its cute and sometimes i giggle and think, if they only really knew haha.

Today my mind is going absolutely crazy.

I cry so sporadically its strange.

I guess I cry in the moments I realize the severity.

Stage 4 cancer, the most agressive type.

I miss my brothers. My heart aches for thier comfort.

I need emotional support.

I dont talk anymore about the cancer.

Most people around me dont ask anymore either.

I miss my Dad. My pre cancer Dad.

The Dad that came over everyday. I miss my Dad

How selfish of me huh?

How is he going to handle this if its bad news? I must stay strong either way. No emotion.

Smile.

Dont look like you are thinking too much.

My Dad is nervous enough for the 3 of us.

The Doctor comes in with a huge smile. Shakes all our hands. And sits.

My Dad says...Tell me Doc whats going on.....

"Everything is shrinking. Your numbers are all cut in half. Some of them more than half." For example your tumor was numbered at a 9.7, and it is now a 4.6. There is no new cancer. Everything has been contained and its working." Its working.

Those word still send chills up my arms

Its working.....Its working.....Its working

The words keep replaying in my mind.

Jim and my Dad are in tears.

Wow its working.....

"Prepare yourself for the worst Jeanil" My fathers life advice to me.

I was prepared that day and in that moment I could breathe.

All day long I would catch myself holding my breath.

Now I can breathe.

He is fighting it. I knew he was strong enough.

I just knew it. A long rod of chemo still ahead

Its ok though....we have progress