The Tote Bag and Beanie

This is it ....I told myself as we walk into the room. PET scan results are in and he will know how serious this is and what stage he is dealing with. We walked into the room and the nurse came in. She was really nice and a fan of football so her and my dad hit it off quick. Besides the usual blood pressure and temperature tests the conversation was full of football banter. Then he came in.

Dr. Mariscol.

Very tall man, around 6'2 .

I suddenly became fearful. Not because of his size but because of his face as he is looking at the PET scan. I have a gift of reading people. Its true. Anyone who knows me knows I CAN judge a book by its cover most of the time. My Dad is the same way so I keep glancing at him to see if he is catching the same vibes.

"Why don't we go to a more comfortable room." he says.

My heart falls to the floor.

Everyone knows when you get moved to another "comfortable" room its never good news. So we follow down a long cold hallway. Colder than normal. Maybe it was just my nerves.

We sit down on these comfortable couches in front of a big screen Tv. And the doctor begins.......

Ok, all the very bright spots are Cancer. Still can't believe that word in being said in association with my father. So we get to his tumor, which is like a florecent light in his esophogus. Then he shows us the liver and there are bright spots in it. Also some bright spots in the lymphnoids surrounding the tumor.

Someone once told me that once Cancer has spread to other organs and the lymphnoids you are basically being handed a death sentence, so it is safe to say at this point I am absolutely devastated.

Dr. Mariscol continues on, telling us there is nothing he can do. And its Stage 4. He is going to recommend Chemo. Again, There is nothing he can do.

WOW. OK.

The doctor leaves the room and my Dad starts to cry.

My dad is crying again....... This man that never cries. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels. What things are possibly going through his head. He is slumped over with his head down. He never weeps. Just tears flowing down his face and all I want to do is hug him , but i know that will only cause more tears. He wipes his face. Sits up straight and breathes. He looks at me and says let's go. We walk out of the room and straight up to our next appointment with the Chemo doctor.

Call the family my dad says.

Damn ..... I thought. Am I going to lose my Dad? I mean Really? To THIS?

My thoughts are spiraling and i feel like I'm invisible and eveyone is just walking around me. No Hi, smiles or glances. I feel like a ghost lost in my thoughts.

Can't cry now.

I will be strong through this for Him.

He needs me.

I pull out my Phone and start the calls again.

My job.

This is my job as His daughter.

My heart is pounding and I feel hopeless and alone.

Nothing will fill this feeling.

I need my Dad. Someone help.

I stop and Pray.

Please stengthen me. Please comfort him. Amen

Quick and easy with the Chemo doctor. Tons of paperwork. And lucky for my dad he gets a tote bag!!!!!! Why folks??? Because you have just been told you have stage 4 cancer.So what do you win?? A bag filled with information on his type of cancer, oh and He also got a Beanie.

Thumbs Up Cancer Down.

My anger is instantly back. I can't even sit in the room. I exit and call my Aunt.

Next up ......Round One.