Adenocarcinoma Esophageal Cancer
Our first day at the AIS Cancer Center was today. They have this beautiful floor to ceiling fountain. Its very serene inside. I almost feel like I need to whisper so I dont disturb anyone but there is no one around besides the front desk lady. We check in. My dad seems nervous and he is biting his lip, which he does when he is antsy. A very bubbly gorgeous red head woman comes to greet us and register mmy dad and the whole time I was thinking "I get it, youre gorgeous and soft spoken, defintely comforting right now and a little funny. Well done Cancer center. I defintely feel at ease" And now it is time to go up the elevators to see Dr. Ghai, the oncologist.
We wait no longer than 5 minutes in the waiting room. Fast service I thought. Then as we are escorted to our room we are asked if we would like some coffee, water, tea. Both of us say coffee without hesitation. Into the room we go. We sit there sipping our coffee crackng jokes as usual for what seems like a few minutes and the doctor comes in. I now have a whole binder on my dads type of cancer and a list of questions to ask.
The doctor tells us that the next step is to stage the cancer. More scans.......PET scan. It will basically tell us if it is anywhere else. Well from what I understood it wasnt anywhere else. They determined that while we were in the hospital.?
I was frustrated and I could see my dad was too. We just wanted to start treatment, but without a "stage" the doctors couldnt determine the best course for this type of cancer. So ok, MORE TESTS. I guess i will wait to ask my questions. Dr. Ghai tells us it will probably be a combination of radiation and chemo for 6 to 9 months.
Emotionally at this point I feel like I'm in a dream. There is no way possible this is MY reality. And I'm defintely going through different phases of grief. Today it is anger.
My Thoughts:
Why my Dad? How can I ever live without him. He is my rescuer. He saves me. He believes in me. He is who i call to rant about everything. He is my mom and dad.He is all I have. What would I do without him calling me 36 times a day? I shouldnt even have to say these things to myself. God should already know that I would be hopeless without my Dad. He will beat this because YOU already know that I couldnt live my life without him, Right God??? My Dad is a genius at teaching football. It would be unfair to Kyren to not be able to have his Grandpa teach him what he knows. And Jems. She adores her papa. He is loud and he reads her stories. She tells him all about her imaginary friend QRS (that is her friends name) and her papa plays along. What about Mav. I just had him. He doesnt even know who Papa is yet???? Its unfair. The anger is now pouring out of me. Why not someone who isn't so important to me and my kids?? Why not someone less important to me? Not my Dad. Not my Dad. NOT MY DAD.
I have to stop myself at this point. Such mean thoughts.
The doctor leaves and my Dad is clearly anxious. I wonder how he feels I thought. Then he looked at me and said, "If its my time, its my time. I dont worry about myself Jeanil I worry about my kids. That is it. Im not afraid to die. I just dont want my kids to hurt." He put his head down and wiped his tears. I held mine in tight knowing he needed me to tell him we will beat this and I am here.I have only seen my Dad cry once before in my life. It makes me realize he is human and not a Superhero.
We go for the PET scan and set an appointment for a few days later.
Dr Mariscol is who we see next. The Radiologist.
