Panic in the Hallway

We sat quietly for what seemed like an eternity. Finally I looked over and asked if he wanted me to call anyone. He just shook his head no.

I was ready to break emotionally at this point but i couldnt let my Dad see me weak right now. Im sure he needed to see me strong just as much as i needed that from him. I excused myself and went in the hallway.

My mind went nuts. I stood there by myself alone in this hallway thinking "Did that doctor just say MY Dad has a tumor?" I leaned against the wall and my first thought was oh my gosh Who do I call?

Jay....Jared,,,,Julie,,,,Jake....Jim.....Jen, Oh my gosh my husband, OH MY GOSH HIS FAMILY, his brothers and sisters..... his mom. My heart sank. My eyes swelled up with tears and i just slid to the floor.

How would i say these words?

I'm the strong one. "Get it together Jeanil" and I made my first phone call.

I dont remember who I called first. It is all such a blur. I remember sounding like a robot and feeling really emotionless. I stuck to the facts that I knew at that point and that was

My Dad has a tumor

We dont know if its cancer

Its in his esophogus

We dont know if its Cancer

I don't know anything else.

Tests have been ordered

We don't know if its CANCER

At this point that word is sending chills down my spine. I set my phone on the ground and cry. I felt like a coward crying in the hallway like that. I told myself not to cry too hard because my Dad can tell when I've been crying and he needs me now. Don't be selfish Jeanil. I picked myself up off the floor and walked back to the room.

I opened the curtain and he looked worried. I was worried. I couldnt imagine what he was thinking at that moment.

The nurse wheeled us back up to the room and I went to get my husband and kids. I felt like he might need a moment alone. I feel guilty for that moment.

My family went back into the room with my dad and we spent the rest of the evening there. Finally my Dad said he was going to sleep. I told him I loved him and we left the hospital. I got into the backseat of my car and held Mav. I just sat and sobbed. My husband put his hand on my leg and I cried harder, The reality of the day had hit me hard. Not my Dad. Not my Superman. The next few days were filled with tests. Then the news that it was Cancer. That word , ........