The Final Round

I breathe in and out deeply as I start to write this entry. Its been a while. I know. I will be real and raw. And if any of my family is following this it might be hard for you to read. I promised my Dad i would write this story and I promised I would tell it with one hundred percent honesty. Im pretty sure he has never read a Blog, and to be honest I dont really know if I want him to read my version, because his version Im sure is far worse than my perspective. I write this as his Daughter.

Round 4 of Chemo is coming up. That means results. Has it been working? Will he have to have more? The results loom over my head like a boulder hanging by a thread. The anticipation is very bittersweet. I want to know but I'm terrified of it literally crushing me. I cant sit there and watch my Dad hear more bad news. I cant see the disappointed expression on his face. My Dad has told me my whole life to always prepare myself for the worst and I have lived by that and I will continue to do so.

Round One was a little rough. Sitting in a room at the AIC center for hours to get his first dose was the first step.They had to monitor his hydration. Then they connected him to a bag he has to carry around for 5 days that is constantly pumping Chemo into his veins. The inconvienience of having that bag hanging over his shoulder, The pic line he has inserted under his skin so the poison can pump into his viens to kill the cancer, all of it is overwhelming for me so I can't imagine how it is for him. The first night was a mess. His line disconnected from his chemo bag because my father sleeps like a grizzly bear. I went in to give him his anti nausea medicine at 3 am and he sat up still asleep snoring. I giggled. My father is a very loud person. He talks loud, eats loud and sleeps loud. I think its because he likes his presence to be known. I awaken to hear him shouting the next morning. He had wandered into the living room, still halfway asleep, shouting about his cord. I called Jim. Jim is my Dads roomate. Also his best friend, and my savoir. Definitely the "sane" in my life. Jim called right away and came and got my Dad to take him to reconnect. Jim is my right hand in all this. The person i can count on to BE THERE. My other father if you will. One of my closest confidantes. After day one my dad slept alot. Probably just to pass the five days. He was very irritable, and actually had his bag removed 8 hours early.He never got sick but felt nausiated. He still had all his hair and some of his sanity. He was looking strong. Round one down.

Round 2 came with new challenges for sure. Pain pills were introduced into his life. Not just any painpills, Oxycodone. I protested because i know the severity of the addictive nature of these little pills. I have a personal hatred for them, not for reasons of my own but for reasons of my family members and some of my close friends. The five days of chemo came and went but my Dad slowly disappeared. The father I knew slipped away into the land of oxycodone. He started acting mean and entitled. Very verbally abussive and demanding. I dont faulter. I call it as I see it. Of course he doesnt like that everytime i see him, i tell him how i feel, so he stops coming over. He finally takes a trip to see his mother and is so high the whole time he remembers nothing. Finally home from his trip he comes over and tells me how embarrassed he is. I said its the pills. He agrees but continues taking them until he runs out and cant get his refill for a few days. So now he is facing opiate withdraw along with fighting his cancer. My "I told you so" was a very tough pill to swallow. No pun intended. The arguments between me and my father during this time period were crippling for me. The weakness I witnessed has forever been burned in my mind. The pills are gone and his pain is now being managed correctly. I thank God every day for answering that prayer. Round 2 ends with new emotional wounds, hair loss, a few scars, broken relationships with both my brothers and a heavy heavy heart.

Round 3 I'm thankful for. A new device to dispense the chemo is introduced. In his previous courses he had to go into the Clinic daily to have his bag changed and then a home nurse would come on the 6th day and disconnect him. Little annoyances that made this big C feel alot bigger. Plus the pumping noise. My dad describes it to me so in depth it gives me chills. This new device has ALL the medicine in it. No bag changes, no daily trips, no home nurse. Can I get an AMEN!! This new routine has come with some flaws. Personal flaws from me. Personal Struggles that I just dont know how to cope with and no one in my family to talk to because , well there is no one, and after a while the people that surround you with support in the beginning fade away slowly and just resume thier everyday lives. Round 3 ends quickly. Before I even realize Jim is messaging me saying "can you believe its the last day?" I cant believe it. I have totally disconnected myself from "the situation". Work graciously took me away and gave me a few weeks to reflect. I had become hard to the world. Very dismissive, stressed and just an all around miserable person. I still struggle but I know myself enough to stop the downward spiral. The way this Cancer has now spread to every emotional point in mine and my fathers life is something no one prepares you for. The doctors cant tell you that if you let it, it will ruin your relationships and wreck your life. IF you let it.

I hide my fear with anger.

I disguise my vulnerability with hate.

Selfish right? To have fear? I think so. Im not the one fighting for my life.

I will learn to balance and to deal because I'm ME.

I pray. He heals and answers.

The amount of Fear I have is crippling. No one prepares you to potentially lose your father. And to people who know me personally know this isn't just my Dad. He is one of my Best friends. This is my Superman.

Here we come round 4.